Recently

So...Alex...remember Christina. I'm not asking if you remeber her, because you do. She is one girl that will stay with you forever. She had been a bitch to you, alot, and you could never get away while you were dating. You loved her too much. She was an abusive husband, and you her battered houswife. but you loved her. More than life itself.

Right now, at the time of this blog, you feel that everything in this world is slipping...slipping away from you. you have been selfish, and created a rift in the Pard(the name for the group of your friends), and you are the only one not letting it go away. You refuse to be around Christina, and for good reason. you still love her, and passionately at that. If you spend time with her even around you, then something will happen. Something not too good. and it would be your fault.

She has done nothing but try to make a friendship out of this. That's all I ever want from my ex's, but She is different. I can't get over her, even when I have moved on...and because you are forcing the group, subconciously, to chose between her and you, they are choosing her. the people you love more than you blood family are going away, and the only thing you can do is impossible.

That's not it though...not all of it. Amber is here for you. She has been a wonderful person, a fun person, and as hard as it is, you are able to love her. maybe not as passionately as Christina, but you do. but this frail heart of yours is being torn again, because hers is torn. Matteo, the mid-30's creator of Rocky(Horror Picture Show) in the Valley, has started to love her. She is 17, and I 18, and yet she can't seem to choose between us. It is so hard to wait, with me the way I am...I want her to be happy, that's all I ever want for any girlfriend I have, but with Amber more than anyone, I want her to be happy with me.

It may be selfish, and it may be a bit assholic of me, but damnit, I want her to myself. She talked to me about how this time, she wants to deserve me, that I'm a great and wonderful guy, I always make her happy, but she can't choose between us...I love her, I do, but it gets on my nerves, and it hurts, not knowing one way or the other...I'd prefer to know she was happy, truely happy, with matteo and not me, than not know either way...if you got this, which you will, don't make this harder for me...accept my love or don't, but stop this torture?

I'm sorry if that sounds cruel...Know that I love you, and respect you, and will accept your choice no matter what...I just still hurt, and I feel lost, and like I'm drowning...I feel like I'm being pushed in every direction, and I don't know which way is up. I need something to hold onto, to love and be loved in return(hehe...moulin rouge...), be my guiding light, and more than anything, I want that person to be you...

Hey Axis

This blog is being written for several reasons. First, is in several years, I will have my own life. one without my friends, without the pard. I'm going to forget if I don't write, and some of my fears are becoming a reality. Second, I'm writing this so that my friends and strangers alike can peek into my world, and tell me what they think. Most, what I'd need to hear is their sympathy, because honestly, who dwells on the good stuff in their life?

So...To all of you reading, being a witness to my life, you will only get one side of the story...My side...My story...it may not make sense, I may have no right to say some of the things I do, but this is, yet again, mine. So please, help yourself to my life, and identify.